On Messiahs, Monsters, and Mortality

There are a variety of genres of books to choose from nowadays: mystery, fantasy/sci-fi, non-fiction, romance, etc. One genre that is severely lacking in content, however, is Comedy. There are very few authors around today that can truly provide a gut-busting laugh-out-loud-while-reading experience, and still pull off something of a coherent plot, interesting but lovable characters, and everything else that makes a good book.

One of the foremost of these proud few is a man by the name of Christopher Moore. Moore writes such books as (and just reading the titles should make you laugh) Fluke: Or, I Know Why The Winged Whale Sings, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal, The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove, and Island of the Sequined Love Nun. He spins hilarious tales of whimsy, drugs and sex (however, they are severely lacking in the rock and roll department), and neurotic but lovable protagonists thrown in way over their heads.

I’ve had the pleasure to read 2.5 books written by Mr. Moore (being in the middle of Lust Lizard), and I can say without a doubt that his writing is the funniest written since the days when Shakespeare’s comedies were funny (remember, back in the 1500’s?).

To show an example, his book titled A Dirty Job (in which a “Beta Male” secondhand store owner becomes Death and finds his life as a newly-widowed single father turned upside down) contains countless situations that are entirely hilarious and well-written. Here is an excerpt:

“Death to the infidel! Death to the infidel!” said the bearded man in response to Charlie’s irresistible charm. He danced around shaking his fist at the Death Merchant’s face, which scared [baby] Sophie so that she covered her eyes and started to cry.
“Stop that, you’re scaring my daughter.”
“Death to the infidel! Death to the infidel!”
[The hellhounds] Mohammed and Alvin quickly got bored watching the dance and sat down to wait for someone to tell them to eat the guy in the nightshirt.
“I mean it,” Charlie said. “You need to stop.” He looked around, feeling embarrassed, but there was no one else on the street.
“Death to the infidel. Death to the infidel,” chanted the beard.
“Have you seen the size of these dogs, Mohammed?”
“Death to-hey, how did you know my name was Mohammed? Doesn’t matter. Never mind. Death to the infidel. Death to the-”
“Wow, you certainly are brave,” Charlie said, “but she’s just a little girl and you’re scaring her and you really need to stop that now.”
“Death to the infidel! Death to the infidel!”
“Kitty!” Sophie said, uncovering her eyes and pointing at the man[, who dropped dead on the spot].
“Oh, honey,” Charlie said. “I thought we weren’t going to do that.”

A book with writing like this simply cannot be bad. And believe me when I tell you, his characters get into way worse situations. He has Christ learning the art of “jew-do,” a pothead cop having an encounter with a crazy woman and her pet dragon, and a seven-foot-tall black man in a pastel green silk suit named Minty Fresh. Honestly, people, if these don’t sell these books to you, I don’t know what will.

What I like most about Moore’s writing style is the way he uses dialogue. Many times a character will try to tell a stressful tale to get it off their chests, and the listening character will be fixated on the words “butt sex” said in the middle of the story. His humor is deadpan, his sense of reality is warped, and all these things combined simply cannot be bad. There’s a rule somewhere.

I leave you with one last image: A consciously-psychopathic ex-actress who practices with a broadsword every morning at 6AM because she believes in an alternate dimension she is in fact Kendra the Warrior Babe, and that she should be prepared when civilization falls and she takes her rightful place. I kid you not, this is part of one of Christopher Moore’s books. In or out of context, it’s simply too hilarious to ignore.

In conclusion: Buy these books. All of them. Right now.

For more information: http://chrismoore.com/

On White Males, Ages 18-34, In the Tri-State Area

Lately I’ve been noticing a definite decline in the quality of TV shows. Sure, there is the recent WGA strike to consider, but it’s not just the episodes of shows. The shows as a whole are just… Bad.

Most of these I’ve found on children’s channels. To cite specific examples, Disney’s “The Emperor’s New School,” a spin-off of a movie made by Disney years ago, is riddled with awful choices. The voice acting is ENTIRELY fake (I know, David Spade, the original voice of the main character Kuzco, isn’t the best actor ever, but still, this guy is worse), and the animation and art quality looks like the art director went into a 6th grade art class and commissioned the students to draw each episode. The jokes are over-used, the plots are repetitive, and there is hardly any entertainment value from what I can see. And yet the kids eat it up!

Now, I don’t blame the production companies. Indeed, I pity them. They’re simply catering to the masses, blindly fulfilling the wishes of those precious lifelines that keep bread on their tables. Rather, do I find fault in the intelligence of American youth. It’s the general trend of things: my parents (who are about 50) enjoyed reading and playing outside. They were around for the rise of the home television, and were entertained by things now known as “classy and snobbish.” My generation (15-20) was groomed with the Internet, a need for instant gratification and very little substance in anything (see Family Guy to find what I’m talking about). It only follows suit that those younger than us (5-12) would be worse.

I really do pity the production companies and show creators. Shows with substance, plot, and interesting characters (such as can be seen in Japan, where anime shows are made for adults and not just kids) are never let to light, and so the TV writers are forced to dumb down their ideas into the mindless drivel we see on our airwaves.

The solution: Well, I really don’t know. The average IQ in the United States of America today is 100. Mine is 133, which is close to those I keep as friends. Then again, something my father once told me comes to mind: “What you have to realize, is that  we here is [the town where I live] are in the top 5% of the population. And, while it may seem pretentious of you, you have to just deal with the other 95%.”

I’m sorry to those offended by this. Chances are, if you’re in my reader base, you’re in that top 5% too. But I guess we just have to deal with it, shut our mouth, and watch the crap filling the airwaves. Or, you know we could go outside, or read, or something.

But who wants to do that?

On Seeing It to Believe It

Human behavior has shown some very strange trends. Every since history began, people have, for lack of a more accurate statement, done some weird shit ever since someone was around to record it. Some of it is still perpetrated today (though it wouldn’t be seen as strange, as it has penetrated so far into our ideal of “normal” no one understands the oddness of the actions), while a lot have died off. I

n our present day, however, many new strange things are seen. Many odd and quirky behaviors can be seen in sex practices. BDSM (the practice of being either a torturer or tortured for erotic stimulation), bestiality (sex with animals or watching animals have sex), even feet fetishes are not uncommon. Many are sick and disgusting, others frowned upon but not openly critiqued, and others simply ignored.

Recently, I came across an article describing one of the more quirky of these sex practices. This behavioral pattern is not the most horrible, or the most disgusting. It is, though, worthy of tilting one’s head to the side, letting one’s mouth hang open, and staring in amazement at the practice as utter befuddlement clouds the mind.

This practice is known as oculolinctus, and it is the practice of one sexual partner licking the other’s eyeball for erotic stimulation.

…I’ll give you a moment to ponder than for a second.

Go on, think. I can wait.

Still can’t figure it out?

You may be asking yourself (as did I, and indeed did most of my friends which I have mentioned this practice to), “Why, oh why, would someone ever want to lick someone else’s eyeball?!” I admit myself baffled still. The justification for this practice is something along the lines of a trust exercise- that the trust shown by letting one’s partner lick their eyeball is very sensual in nature. However, I can’t really see how this works. There are definitely less… odd trust exercises. Falling backwards into another’s arms is a good one. I’m sure there are some others, but my mind is too clouded with the image of someone licking someone else’s eyeball.

It’s just so weird! Forgive me for being judgmental, I know the whole “judge not, lest ye be judged” thing. I also know I’m a bit quirky as well; I hang out with theatre techies, I’m attached to my computer, I love reading and math. But, and I’m opening myself to judgment with this comment, damn if there is one thing on this planet  stranger than the sexual practice of licking eyeballs.

If anyone out there in Internet-Land does practice oculolinctus, please email me, as I’d love to meet you. I can’t really believe people do this. But then, seeing is believing…

On Rotten Apples

With the sheer amazingosity (yes, it’s a word) of the iPod Touch, of course Jailbreak (illegal hacking) of the firmware was going to take place. Recently the firmware version “1.1.3″ caused a lot of problems for developers of jailbreak methods. It took a month or so, but finally, the method was nailed down and perfected with an easy-to-use graphic interface last week. All was well in the realm of the Apple Hackers.

That is, until version 1.1.4 was released today.

Now, I’m not a devoted member of the cult of personality that is Steve Jobs. I’m not “proud to be part of the Mac community” or anything. I just happen to use a Macbook. At that, I am frequently frustrated by both the Mac hardware and software. However, this is one of the few times that I will say: Goddamnit, the people over at  Mac are a hell of a team. It’s simply so perfect of a set-up: just when hackers think they’re in the clear, another bomb falls on their hopes. As a slightly-sadistic, highly-cynical observer of iPod events, I find the entire situation incredibly hilarious.

In addition to this crippling blow, Apple delayed the release of their Software Development Kit by “a couple of weeks.” Not only is the compatibly-hacked version done with, the legal way to create extra features has been delayed! It’s simply too perfect.

For iPod Touch and iPhone enthusiasts, keep watching, a jailbreak is going to be swift in following this update. For those in my position (cynical sadists), keep watching, it’s bound to get even worse for all parties involved. And for the rest of you… Well, I’ll have a new post tomorrow, I guess…

On Picking an Apple

So I do own the iPod Touch, and I have to say, it is quite possibly the most amusing object I have ever owned. How can one not be entertained by a music and video player, a miniature Internet portal, a satellite-fed map system, and a music store that fits comfortably in your pocket at a slim 8mm thick?

That said, I know there is much confusion about this fantastic device of the future and its “older brother” as it were, the iPhone. Why, when the iPhone has so many more features (including, obviously, functionality as a cell phone), should I instead buy the iPod Touch?

There is a very good argument either way in this argument.

On the one hand is the iPhone’s features that were obviously left out of the iPod Touch: phone, text message, and bluetooth capabilities. Also left out of the iPod Touch were the built-in camera, internal speakers, and external volume control of the iPhone. Originally, the applications that allowed an iPhone owner to check email on-the-go were left off of the iPod Touch, but are now available out-of-the-box (and also as a $20 (USD) upgrade for iPods purchased before Dec. 27, 2007). Many have supposed that many of these features were left out to distinguish the iPod Touch from the iPhone, and give more incentive to buy the more expensive iPhone.

That said, the iPod Touch also has its advantages. The iPod is slimmer, and has all te software capabilites of the iPhone (save for, of course, the phone software). The iPod’s headphone jack is easier to plug into, whereas the iPhone’s jack is deeper, all but requiring the use of Apple’s standard earbud. The iPod has more capacity, with models up to 32GB (that’s about 8,000 songs) as opposed to the iPhone’s largest 16GB (about 4,000 songs) model. The iPod Touch is also less expensive for its size, the 16GB at $399, meanwhile the standing price for a 16GB iPhone is $100 more than its “little sibling” at the same capacity (all prices USD).

However, the biggest argument available for the iPod Touch over the iPhone: No contractual obligation. The iPhone is a phone, and with that comes the contract with AT&T (and only AT&T, unless you’re ready to do some slightly illegal things), and paying monthly fees for use. With the iPod, there is no obligation, no fee for unlimited use.

So what it comes down to is this: If you want the phone, and don’t mind paying that little extra each month, then by all means get the iPhone. If you’re not into that, or have 8,000 songs, get the iPod.

One more thing I should mention: There is a way to add third-party applications such as games and raphic customizers, before the release of the Software Developer Kit spreads around enough that there is a sufficient amount of legal applications. This process is called, aptly enough, “jailbreaking” your iPod or iPhone. Sure, it voids the warranty, but I have to say, it is well worth it. It makes the best adult toy on the market that much more fun. And the best part: It’s easily reversible. So give it a try, there’s not a lot to lose.

For more information on jailbreaking iPhones and iPod Touches, I refer you to RupertGee’s iBlog, which is dedicated to the subject. His is the most user0friendly andhelpful database of jailbreaking knowledge I’ve found on the net; he’s the guy I go to with my jailbreaking troubles!